Friendships

There's so much I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say it. I'm much better at writing my feelings down then saying them. Always have been.

In high school I was (thought I was) close good friends with these two girls (no need for mentioning their names) Well you remember how people would have a notebook that they would share and write notes to each other in? Well they both had one with each other and one with me. I was terrible at writing notes. Tom-boy Amanda thought notes weren't that important. Very seldom did I ever write one. Well one day after school (we all road the same bus home) one of the girls asked me to hold on to her notebook that she shared with the other girl. I didn't think much of it. I just tossed it into my bag and got off the bus. Well later that night I was doing homework and discovered that I still had their notebook. I was curious about the things they would write to each other, so I peeked inside. BIG MISTAKE!!!! Let me just say that there was a lot of mundane things said about how their days had been and what not, but then there was a few things said that involved me. I was a bit heart broken to hear what they had to say about me behind my back. Well that was about the time I stopped considering all my "So called friends" at the time, friends. After that day I only had a handful of people that I truly considered friends. Those girls weren't on the list.

I tell you that story to help clarify something that has been very hard for me to cope/deal with over the past 7 years. After high school I didn't keep in contact with a lot of people. In fact for 3 years straight I didn't have any friends that I would hang out with. Camille was the only one that I kept in contact with, but even that was rare, and then she got married :) So even rarer after that. When I joined the Church and was Baptized I was given so many blessings. One of those Blessings was friendship. I know that I have my moments when I don't talk to anyone for a few days or even a week or months, but I hold special places in my heart for ALL my friends. When you've experienced as I have the lack of friendship in your life, you can see and understand why I sometimes behave the way I do when it comes to our friendship. I'm quite selfish. A little possessive. Sometimes controlling. Annoying, and to needy. My only defense that I have to all those is that I'm terrified of not being wanted as a friend and of losing you all. My lifeline is my friendships. I lean so much onto them for support with everything in life because I'm literally terrified that I will be without you all. Its a scary thought to be able to remember a time when you had no one at all to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with, to experience new exciting things with. It wasn't fair that I felt that I wasn't good enough to be friends with anyone because of what was written about me in a dumb notebook. The sad thing is still to this day I have those moments of self-doubt. I do love my friends with a vengeance. And will hold on to them as tightly as I can. Its not weird its a sweet kind of love. So if I ever become a little paranoid that you don't want me as a friend please tell me to shut up and remind me that I'm AWESOME. I need it so much.

Answered prayers

This post is not very long. I was just thinking a lot about prayers. I've heard a lot of prayers and I've said a lot of prayers. I sometimes forget the prayers that I've said and have heard. Have you ever listened closely to an opening prayer or even a closing prayer or a blessing of food? Have you felt nervous giving one? My favorite thing about praying is that its not only for my benefit, but for the benefit of others as well. I especially love it when I hear about a prayer being answered. Prayers are answered every day. Not only prayers, but the questions that were not verbalizing in our prayers or even in our day-to-day life. I like to think that as we grow in life that we have opportunities to be answers or to answer the prayers of others. Whether they are close to us or not and whether we realize it or not. Many prayers that I've had have been answered through friends, The Spirit, through Church leadership, and even through strangers. The key thing to remember is that Heavenly Father does hear our prayers and he provides for us to hear his answer. We just have to be ready to listen when we hear it.

Someone Like You

This song has helped me so much!!! I absolutely love the lyrics and can say after listening to it just once feel pretty darn good about life.

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Someone Like You- By Adele

Update!!!

Sorry it's been awhile. Been pretty busy. Lest see, I've been working a lot and I will soon be working even more. I'm going to start doing private care. My goal is to not get burnt-out. That would suck.

I have 2 new nieces!!!Gracie mae(May 22nd), and Jemma Yvonne(July 3rd (pictures soon) They are both beautiful. We are patiently awaiting the arrival of the little man that's known as "Harley" He is due December 6th. My Brother Jeremy and his wife Mindy are very excited.

My other niece and Nephews are living with their real mom. I was, a few years ago, very against this. But she is fortunetly doing 100% better than my Brother Jason. I miss having them around though. They like their new school and seem to be doing pretty good.Thats all that matters.

There really isn't anything to exciting going on right now other than hanging out with friends and Church stuff. If anything exciting happens I will let you all know!!!

Growing!!!

So I was told today that I've grown. My first response was that I had been on vacation and was allowed to eat ALL that I wanted. (very funny, I know) But she meant that I've grown more mature and that I seem to be clear headed and humble. I, at first, thought that she meant I no longer acted like a teenager, but she said that we all have 2 sides. A good side, a bad side, a future and a past. And if I'm to love someone that means I need to embrace both sides of a person. I think I'm trying to do that with more than one person. Think about it, we love our family, friends, our pets, and even our neighbors. My challenge to everyone is simply said, are you willing to embrace both sides of a person who you love? I would hope to think that most everyone would say "YES" but there are a few people who forget that no one is PERFECT that people make mistakes all the time and its up to them to learn from those mistakes. It doesn't matter if someone has a good side or a bad side. What matters most is that we are all willing to not pass judgment onto others especially when we ourselves don't want to be judged. I just ask that everyone try their hardest to look past the good and bad side's of people. We are all told to be a friend to everyone no matter what. That means, even if someone doesn't be a Friend to you, that you keep being a friend to them. Someone once said that they will only put forth effort into a relationship/friendship if the other person does too. Well God says differently and when he said "love one another" it didn't mean you pick and choose who, it means that you forgive and forget and love. So look beyond the good and bad side and see the person within.

Life in Question

So I was thinking the other day that life has always been filled with non-stop questions. Here are a few that have either stuck with me or I have asked over the past few years, months, weeks, days, and hours.

Years: What do I want to do for a profession?
Why don't I have any friends?
(and my not so favorite, favorite)
When will I find my one true love?
Months: Why do I believe in the Book of Mormon?
Why does everyone look at me funny?
What do I need to do to find an Eternal Companion?
Why is being a girl have to include drama?
Why do I say I'm fine when I'm not?
Why do I let them get the best of me?
Weeks: How many more days until my cruise?
When will Cody be home?
Do you think I bought to much clothes for my trip?(answer was yes)
Why do guys think that just cause a girl says hi to them that the girl now likes them?
Why are boys so dumb?
Is being done with guys a good thing or a bad thing?
Why in the world do I let them get the best of me?
Days: Really?
Can I please feel comfortable with myslef?
Why can't I get enough of you?
Why do I not stand up for myself and others?
Who cares if you cry yourslef to sleep?
Why do you let them get to you?
Why does no one understand you?
Hours: Mabe I should learn a new language?
Will it hurt more to break ties or to try and mend them?
Why do you allow people to manipulate you?
Why do you allow people to tell you how you feel?
How come you never stick up for yourself?
How does it feel to let people walk all over you?
Why do you not think your beautiful?
(AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE's)
What if your not good enough for him?
What if they hate you?
What if she thinks your no longer worth being a friend to?
What if it doesn't hurt when this is all over?
What if he never realizes how amazing you really are?
What if your to late to come to a compromise?
What if you weren't meant to be closer than you are?
What if you were wrong?
What if you were right?
What if no one ever understands what your trying to say and who you are?
What if none of this was worth it?

6 months worth

September- Was the last time I actually blogged about something. And it was the beginning of me being depressed. How horrible it is for me to type that, but its the truth. I know I hurt a lot of peoples feelings when I stopped talking to them and stopped being a friend. I can now say that I'm sorry. I don't remember much of...
October- I think the most fun I had was making a tutu for my Halloween costume. It turned out super cute. I was a witch. Also I had a lot of fun shopping with my friends and helping them find their costume.
November- Was when I hit the lowest of low. I listened to a friend of mine that wasn't LDS. She told me some things that got me to think and I was already having some doubts about certain things and I just fell. That's the best way that I can put it. I fell hard and it took a long time for me to get back up again. I had to dig deep and to actually seek help. I hated every minute of it. I don't like depending on other people. I'm capable of it, but I don't think I should take advantage that way. Heavenly Father was of course the best and most dependable of all. I'm a convert and when someone says something that makes sense in a weird way it can make you turn on everything that you believe in. Thank goodness I have the best friends in the whole world!!! Their support and their friendship helped me stand tall.
December-Made me realize that I'm not a big fan of crowds and this past December was filled with family. Now I know its family, but I love my quiet life. I felt so crowded. I had Grandparents and Brothers and Sisters and Cousins everywhere. I'm very glad that its over and that Christmas only comes but once a year!
January 2011- I turned 25! And yeah I feel older. Its not a bad older just older. My friends helped me to celebrate. I started a diet and can you believe it??? I've stuck with it and plan to keep to it for many many many months/years. I never knew getting in shape and becoming healthy could be so rewarding.
February- Yeah Valentine's day came and went. Pretty boring actually, except that Me and 4 other SINGLE girl friends are gonna go on a CRUISE!!!! It will be from May 30Th-June 3rd. The plan is to leave 2 days before and spend some time at the beach in Cali. Yeah that's right the BEACH. The very place I've never been. I'm really excited and very happy.
March- Work seems to fill my time these days but I'm grateful and happy to do it. I'm saving most of my money for the very much exciting CRUISE.

All in all its pretty safe to say that life hasn't been boring. I've been pretty busy and there is no telling when I will be on again. Just know that I'm grateful to have so many dear friends in my life and that my family is important to me even though they can crowd me sometimes. Also that I know with out a doubt that Heavenly Father loves me and that the Book of Mormon is true. Pretty simple words, but there true and mean a lot to me. Its been a long time since I was truly happy with my life and even though I have my ups and downs, I'm grateful for the experiences that I've had and for the people that have stuck by me. I chatted with a friend the other day for the first time in a very long time and she made me sad. Just chatting with her brought so many repressed feelings that I regretted getting in touch with her. I've changed a lot in the past few years and it was very apparent to me after that chat with her. Our lives went in 2 different directions and I know she is happy where she is and I hope she knows that I'm happy where I am (for now). I will always consider her a friend even if were not close anymore. I hope someone reads this and thinks that what I say is somewhat interesting. If you noticed there wasn't anything mentioned of a boy??/ That's cause there isn't one to mention. I hope that one day there will be and whenever there is I will surely blog about him.