Saturday, November 5, 2011

Friendships

There's so much I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say it. I'm much better at writing my feelings down then saying them. Always have been.

In high school I was (thought I was) close good friends with these two girls (no need for mentioning their names) Well you remember how people would have a notebook that they would share and write notes to each other in? Well they both had one with each other and one with me. I was terrible at writing notes. Tom-boy Amanda thought notes weren't that important. Very seldom did I ever write one. Well one day after school (we all road the same bus home) one of the girls asked me to hold on to her notebook that she shared with the other girl. I didn't think much of it. I just tossed it into my bag and got off the bus. Well later that night I was doing homework and discovered that I still had their notebook. I was curious about the things they would write to each other, so I peeked inside. BIG MISTAKE!!!! Let me just say that there was a lot of mundane things said about how their days had been and what not, but then there was a few things said that involved me. I was a bit heart broken to hear what they had to say about me behind my back. Well that was about the time I stopped considering all my "So called friends" at the time, friends. After that day I only had a handful of people that I truly considered friends. Those girls weren't on the list.

I tell you that story to help clarify something that has been very hard for me to cope/deal with over the past 7 years. After high school I didn't keep in contact with a lot of people. In fact for 3 years straight I didn't have any friends that I would hang out with. Camille was the only one that I kept in contact with, but even that was rare, and then she got married :) So even rarer after that. When I joined the Church and was Baptized I was given so many blessings. One of those Blessings was friendship. I know that I have my moments when I don't talk to anyone for a few days or even a week or months, but I hold special places in my heart for ALL my friends. When you've experienced as I have the lack of friendship in your life, you can see and understand why I sometimes behave the way I do when it comes to our friendship. I'm quite selfish. A little possessive. Sometimes controlling. Annoying, and to needy. My only defense that I have to all those is that I'm terrified of not being wanted as a friend and of losing you all. My lifeline is my friendships. I lean so much onto them for support with everything in life because I'm literally terrified that I will be without you all. Its a scary thought to be able to remember a time when you had no one at all to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with, to experience new exciting things with. It wasn't fair that I felt that I wasn't good enough to be friends with anyone because of what was written about me in a dumb notebook. The sad thing is still to this day I have those moments of self-doubt. I do love my friends with a vengeance. And will hold on to them as tightly as I can. Its not weird its a sweet kind of love. So if I ever become a little paranoid that you don't want me as a friend please tell me to shut up and remind me that I'm AWESOME. I need it so much.