Garbage in...... Garbage out

Oh wowsers its been like a year since my last posting :-/ if it makes you feel any better my life this past year really hasn't changed that much from a year ago. Some things are different and that's because when garbage comes in garbage gets taken out. Meaning I haven't put up with a lot of peoples crap hahahaha j/k actually it means what it says "Garbage in....Garbage out" Never allow the negativity of the world to over take the positivity that you bring into it...... Honestly I'm horrible at sticking to this rule. And the worse of it all is the fact that I genuinely care about everyone who is in my life. Call me Miss Sensitivity. I joke or make fun but I also have this knack to tell the truth pretty much ALL the time. I use to say that others cannot make you feel guilty about anything. I was wrong.  The strongest emotion is love and when you love someone(or everyone as I cannot help) they can make you feel like the worst person ever. And most of the time its unintended. We can't take out all garbage because well no one is perfect including myself. I think I'm pretty awesome.... or at least have been told that. That is something that I've tried to remember most lately...... Be POSITIVE.

Change....Isn't it funny?

It's funny in an odd way, to look back on life to about 8 years ago and see how much people,(not only yourself...meaning me) have changed. Some for the better and some in ways that you.... I  never thought could change. I can remember being in High School and hating it. But lately I've been thinking about how simple life was back then. How much fun it was and how carefree we all were. I see today that some of the same people I knew then haven't changed drastically,while others have done a 360. I think it just proves that it doesn't matter who we were in high school or how everyone saw us as or how we saw others, I think what matters is how we see ourselves today. We are all victims to change no matter if its drastic or graduall. It gets to us ALL when the time is right. 

I know that I've changed a lot in the past 8 years and I can only be grateful that I have. I think of the typical question...."If you could go back and change anything in High School, would you and what would you change?" Now there are many answers to this two-part question. I'm on the fence with some of them. I guess my first answer would be nothing, I wouldn't do anything different, because everything I did before brought me to what I'm doing now. Then my second answer would be... I would've stayed on track with college. Making it a bigger priority in my life.....Oh and getting the tatoos on my ankles higher more like on my thighs so that they don't irritate me so now :) Those would be the only changes I would make, because all the things I did and said and thought, did bring me to where I am now and though my life isn't perfect and I'm not perfect, and I have a lot of things that I still want to do and strive to be better at, mentally, physically, emotionally and all the ally's I can think of I truly am happy with the me that I've become.  Change is just as constant in our lives as Love is. NOW..... I can't wait to be a victim of LOVE Bwahahahahahahaha
Happy Reading!!! 

2012!!!!

Oh boy has it been forever since my last post. Well lest re-cap....
October- Went by in a blur. My grandpa asked me to make a video of his life with pictures. Crazy asking me such a thing since I had no idea how to do so, but I started then to scan all the pictures into the computer. For Halloween I went to this huge dance party at the Hangar with the great Mari Bersch.
November- Also went by super fast, but I know that since then I've grown up. HAHAHAHA that's hilarious to type. Everyone grows up (I know) but its different. I see things differently and I'm not so quick to react dramatically about things which is nice :) I like growing up....sometimes.
December- I made a lot of cake balls. Mainly due to the fact that I was in my Best Friend Elizabeth's wedding!!!!!! Yes, she and mike got married on December 16th 2011. For her bachelorette party we wore tutu's and strutted our stuff down Mill Ave. It was great. But I made cake balls for 2 weddings and Bridal showers and a Christmas party. WOW that's a lot I know, but I've gotten really great :) Christmas was crazy busy and went by so fast. But being around family was great.
January- I turned 26!!!!! Hurray Seriously I'm super happy to get older. The only downside to my Birthday month was that my Grandpa(the one who wanted the video of his life) Passed away. So I had to work fast and get the video of his life finished. I think I did a great job. His memorial service took place in South Dakota. Let me just say that South Dakota during January is COLD. I hate when its colder than 50 degrees out. It was 32 degrees most of the time We were there. CRAZY I'm definitely an ARIZONA GIRL. The other bad thing about January was when we flew to SD that was the first time in 15 years since I flew and guess who got a very bad case of VERTIGO? Yeah, me. It lasted almost 2 weeks. YUK.
February- Oh boy so ya know V-Day? Well it was just a good old Tuesday to me :) Except, I got sick. I've been getting sick a lot more these days :(
March-Well its still March and not mush has happened except that I know for a fact that I desperately want to travel. I want to go to New York for New Years Eve and to Ireland next summer. I hope I'm able to save enough $ to go. Well hopefully it wont be another 5 months till I post another entry, Keep well all.

Friendships

There's so much I want to say, but I'm not sure how to say it. I'm much better at writing my feelings down then saying them. Always have been.

In high school I was (thought I was) close good friends with these two girls (no need for mentioning their names) Well you remember how people would have a notebook that they would share and write notes to each other in? Well they both had one with each other and one with me. I was terrible at writing notes. Tom-boy Amanda thought notes weren't that important. Very seldom did I ever write one. Well one day after school (we all road the same bus home) one of the girls asked me to hold on to her notebook that she shared with the other girl. I didn't think much of it. I just tossed it into my bag and got off the bus. Well later that night I was doing homework and discovered that I still had their notebook. I was curious about the things they would write to each other, so I peeked inside. BIG MISTAKE!!!! Let me just say that there was a lot of mundane things said about how their days had been and what not, but then there was a few things said that involved me. I was a bit heart broken to hear what they had to say about me behind my back. Well that was about the time I stopped considering all my "So called friends" at the time, friends. After that day I only had a handful of people that I truly considered friends. Those girls weren't on the list.

I tell you that story to help clarify something that has been very hard for me to cope/deal with over the past 7 years. After high school I didn't keep in contact with a lot of people. In fact for 3 years straight I didn't have any friends that I would hang out with. Camille was the only one that I kept in contact with, but even that was rare, and then she got married :) So even rarer after that. When I joined the Church and was Baptized I was given so many blessings. One of those Blessings was friendship. I know that I have my moments when I don't talk to anyone for a few days or even a week or months, but I hold special places in my heart for ALL my friends. When you've experienced as I have the lack of friendship in your life, you can see and understand why I sometimes behave the way I do when it comes to our friendship. I'm quite selfish. A little possessive. Sometimes controlling. Annoying, and to needy. My only defense that I have to all those is that I'm terrified of not being wanted as a friend and of losing you all. My lifeline is my friendships. I lean so much onto them for support with everything in life because I'm literally terrified that I will be without you all. Its a scary thought to be able to remember a time when you had no one at all to talk to, to laugh with, to cry with, to experience new exciting things with. It wasn't fair that I felt that I wasn't good enough to be friends with anyone because of what was written about me in a dumb notebook. The sad thing is still to this day I have those moments of self-doubt. I do love my friends with a vengeance. And will hold on to them as tightly as I can. Its not weird its a sweet kind of love. So if I ever become a little paranoid that you don't want me as a friend please tell me to shut up and remind me that I'm AWESOME. I need it so much.

Answered prayers

This post is not very long. I was just thinking a lot about prayers. I've heard a lot of prayers and I've said a lot of prayers. I sometimes forget the prayers that I've said and have heard. Have you ever listened closely to an opening prayer or even a closing prayer or a blessing of food? Have you felt nervous giving one? My favorite thing about praying is that its not only for my benefit, but for the benefit of others as well. I especially love it when I hear about a prayer being answered. Prayers are answered every day. Not only prayers, but the questions that were not verbalizing in our prayers or even in our day-to-day life. I like to think that as we grow in life that we have opportunities to be answers or to answer the prayers of others. Whether they are close to us or not and whether we realize it or not. Many prayers that I've had have been answered through friends, The Spirit, through Church leadership, and even through strangers. The key thing to remember is that Heavenly Father does hear our prayers and he provides for us to hear his answer. We just have to be ready to listen when we hear it.

Someone Like You

This song has helped me so much!!! I absolutely love the lyrics and can say after listening to it just once feel pretty darn good about life.

I heard
That you're settled down
That you
Found a girl
And you're
Married now

I heard
That your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things
I didn't give to you

Old friend
Why are you so shy?
Ain't like you to hold back
Or hide from the light

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."
Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead,
Yeah.

You know how the time flies
Only yesterday
It was the time of our lives
We were born and raised
In a summer haze
Bound by the surprise
Of our glory days

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it.
I had hoped you'd see my face and that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over.

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead."

Nothing compares
No worries or cares
Regrets and mistakes
They are memories made.
Who would have known
How bittersweet this would taste?

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Never mind
I'll find someone like you
I wish nothing but the best for you too
"Don't forget me", I begged
"I'll remember", you said
"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

"Sometimes it lasts in love
But sometimes it hurts instead"

Someone Like You- By Adele

Update!!!

Sorry it's been awhile. Been pretty busy. Lest see, I've been working a lot and I will soon be working even more. I'm going to start doing private care. My goal is to not get burnt-out. That would suck.

I have 2 new nieces!!!Gracie mae(May 22nd), and Jemma Yvonne(July 3rd (pictures soon) They are both beautiful. We are patiently awaiting the arrival of the little man that's known as "Harley" He is due December 6th. My Brother Jeremy and his wife Mindy are very excited.

My other niece and Nephews are living with their real mom. I was, a few years ago, very against this. But she is fortunetly doing 100% better than my Brother Jason. I miss having them around though. They like their new school and seem to be doing pretty good.Thats all that matters.

There really isn't anything to exciting going on right now other than hanging out with friends and Church stuff. If anything exciting happens I will let you all know!!!

Growing!!!

So I was told today that I've grown. My first response was that I had been on vacation and was allowed to eat ALL that I wanted. (very funny, I know) But she meant that I've grown more mature and that I seem to be clear headed and humble. I, at first, thought that she meant I no longer acted like a teenager, but she said that we all have 2 sides. A good side, a bad side, a future and a past. And if I'm to love someone that means I need to embrace both sides of a person. I think I'm trying to do that with more than one person. Think about it, we love our family, friends, our pets, and even our neighbors. My challenge to everyone is simply said, are you willing to embrace both sides of a person who you love? I would hope to think that most everyone would say "YES" but there are a few people who forget that no one is PERFECT that people make mistakes all the time and its up to them to learn from those mistakes. It doesn't matter if someone has a good side or a bad side. What matters most is that we are all willing to not pass judgment onto others especially when we ourselves don't want to be judged. I just ask that everyone try their hardest to look past the good and bad side's of people. We are all told to be a friend to everyone no matter what. That means, even if someone doesn't be a Friend to you, that you keep being a friend to them. Someone once said that they will only put forth effort into a relationship/friendship if the other person does too. Well God says differently and when he said "love one another" it didn't mean you pick and choose who, it means that you forgive and forget and love. So look beyond the good and bad side and see the person within.

Life in Question

So I was thinking the other day that life has always been filled with non-stop questions. Here are a few that have either stuck with me or I have asked over the past few years, months, weeks, days, and hours.

Years: What do I want to do for a profession?
Why don't I have any friends?
(and my not so favorite, favorite)
When will I find my one true love?
Months: Why do I believe in the Book of Mormon?
Why does everyone look at me funny?
What do I need to do to find an Eternal Companion?
Why is being a girl have to include drama?
Why do I say I'm fine when I'm not?
Why do I let them get the best of me?
Weeks: How many more days until my cruise?
When will Cody be home?
Do you think I bought to much clothes for my trip?(answer was yes)
Why do guys think that just cause a girl says hi to them that the girl now likes them?
Why are boys so dumb?
Is being done with guys a good thing or a bad thing?
Why in the world do I let them get the best of me?
Days: Really?
Can I please feel comfortable with myslef?
Why can't I get enough of you?
Why do I not stand up for myself and others?
Who cares if you cry yourslef to sleep?
Why do you let them get to you?
Why does no one understand you?
Hours: Mabe I should learn a new language?
Will it hurt more to break ties or to try and mend them?
Why do you allow people to manipulate you?
Why do you allow people to tell you how you feel?
How come you never stick up for yourself?
How does it feel to let people walk all over you?
Why do you not think your beautiful?
(AND MY PERSONAL FAVORITE's)
What if your not good enough for him?
What if they hate you?
What if she thinks your no longer worth being a friend to?
What if it doesn't hurt when this is all over?
What if he never realizes how amazing you really are?
What if your to late to come to a compromise?
What if you weren't meant to be closer than you are?
What if you were wrong?
What if you were right?
What if no one ever understands what your trying to say and who you are?
What if none of this was worth it?

6 months worth

September- Was the last time I actually blogged about something. And it was the beginning of me being depressed. How horrible it is for me to type that, but its the truth. I know I hurt a lot of peoples feelings when I stopped talking to them and stopped being a friend. I can now say that I'm sorry. I don't remember much of...
October- I think the most fun I had was making a tutu for my Halloween costume. It turned out super cute. I was a witch. Also I had a lot of fun shopping with my friends and helping them find their costume.
November- Was when I hit the lowest of low. I listened to a friend of mine that wasn't LDS. She told me some things that got me to think and I was already having some doubts about certain things and I just fell. That's the best way that I can put it. I fell hard and it took a long time for me to get back up again. I had to dig deep and to actually seek help. I hated every minute of it. I don't like depending on other people. I'm capable of it, but I don't think I should take advantage that way. Heavenly Father was of course the best and most dependable of all. I'm a convert and when someone says something that makes sense in a weird way it can make you turn on everything that you believe in. Thank goodness I have the best friends in the whole world!!! Their support and their friendship helped me stand tall.
December-Made me realize that I'm not a big fan of crowds and this past December was filled with family. Now I know its family, but I love my quiet life. I felt so crowded. I had Grandparents and Brothers and Sisters and Cousins everywhere. I'm very glad that its over and that Christmas only comes but once a year!
January 2011- I turned 25! And yeah I feel older. Its not a bad older just older. My friends helped me to celebrate. I started a diet and can you believe it??? I've stuck with it and plan to keep to it for many many many months/years. I never knew getting in shape and becoming healthy could be so rewarding.
February- Yeah Valentine's day came and went. Pretty boring actually, except that Me and 4 other SINGLE girl friends are gonna go on a CRUISE!!!! It will be from May 30Th-June 3rd. The plan is to leave 2 days before and spend some time at the beach in Cali. Yeah that's right the BEACH. The very place I've never been. I'm really excited and very happy.
March- Work seems to fill my time these days but I'm grateful and happy to do it. I'm saving most of my money for the very much exciting CRUISE.

All in all its pretty safe to say that life hasn't been boring. I've been pretty busy and there is no telling when I will be on again. Just know that I'm grateful to have so many dear friends in my life and that my family is important to me even though they can crowd me sometimes. Also that I know with out a doubt that Heavenly Father loves me and that the Book of Mormon is true. Pretty simple words, but there true and mean a lot to me. Its been a long time since I was truly happy with my life and even though I have my ups and downs, I'm grateful for the experiences that I've had and for the people that have stuck by me. I chatted with a friend the other day for the first time in a very long time and she made me sad. Just chatting with her brought so many repressed feelings that I regretted getting in touch with her. I've changed a lot in the past few years and it was very apparent to me after that chat with her. Our lives went in 2 different directions and I know she is happy where she is and I hope she knows that I'm happy where I am (for now). I will always consider her a friend even if were not close anymore. I hope someone reads this and thinks that what I say is somewhat interesting. If you noticed there wasn't anything mentioned of a boy??/ That's cause there isn't one to mention. I hope that one day there will be and whenever there is I will surely blog about him.

So...

• The truth is, I'm giving DOUBLE truth's today because Krissa wants them :)


• The truth is, I love being a hermit! I can go days even weeks without talking or hanging out with my friends. Its more like a love hate thing. I'm trying to not be a hermit cause I need to get out and do things other than work and church.


• The truth is, I love reading. Hence me being a hermit. I can get lost in a book or a series of books for days and weeks. In fact I've taken time away from reading to type this.


• The truth is, I'm really shy. There are somethings that I can do and then there are some things that I can't. Like ask boys out on dates, yet, I can tell them that I like them or am interested in them. My shyness comes out when I'm around 1-3 people. If I'm with a huge group for some reason it goes away. Weird!


• The truth is,I'm really happy that my parents have finally listened to me and they got rid of the wood floors in the kitchen, dinning room, and hallway :) I hated the color of wood and it just never seemed to fit for me. Now there is TILE.


• The truth is, I really want to go back to school. I find it interesting how when your not in school you want to go, but when in school your counting down the days until the weekend.


• The truth is, I'm deathly afraid of snakes. Like seriously afraid. For some reason they scare me like crazy. I've had a few encounters with them and they have never appealed to me.


• The truth is, I love my car. I need to post a few pics on here for you all to see. Her name is Gigdette to me she looks like a little Gigdette :)


• The truth is, I don't like playing sports with a bunch of guys. They are ball hogs or frisbee hogs. They never pass it to girls.


• The truth is, I don't like getting on facebook that much anymore. I never do anything except post a new status and look at what everybody else is posting. Very boring.


• The truth is, I love to be outside in a rainstorm. I love the smell of wet dirt and I wish someone was able to put that smell in a candle or an air freshener. I love it.


• The truth is, Sometimes I don't blog because I don't think anyone reads what I post.

I hope you enjoy!!!

The Truth is....

So I don't want so much to post a bunch of things that I want to tell you all today, but I do want to post mainly the only truth that has been weighing on me for the past few weeks.

The truth is... I have a friend and she doesn't really include me in her life anymore. She used to. But for a while now she hasn't and its really sad because we once were really close. I know that people drift apart and that is just normal progression, but it doesn't change the way it all makes me feel. This summer has brought a lot of change to me and I know that its all for the good. I've been given so many blessings in such a short time that I might've been to busy to notice if I had offended or caused her pain too. I guess the hardest thing with friendships are the fact that no matter how strong you think your bond is, it doesn't compare to the will of the Lord. I would hate to believe that Heavenly Father would want me to not be friends with her, but if its what I need or what she needs then, I would deal with it. Its so hard to say goodbye to a close friend, a friend whome I love very much. I do hope though that we are able to remain friends.

That is my truth post for today. Some may like it and some may not, but its my blog and I can write all that I want and about all that I want!!

So its another....

I love oatmeal raisin scented candles and yup, I'm burning one right now!!!! It like eating one without actually eating it and not over induldge myself. I know I'm a genius :)

The irritating little puppy ate the back of my favorite flatts off! And now I have to go shoe shopping, and that brings me to my next truth.

I hate shoe shopping!! So ever since I broke my heel 2 years ago, my left foot is about 1 size bigger than my right! And that makes shoe shopping very sad and dumb and irritating. Hate it!!!

But I do love kissing in the rain.(Haven't done it for a number of years)But the last time I had been kissed it was in the rain and it became something that I really look forward to doing again. Hopefully soon I can, not getting my hopes up, but it would be a lot of fun :)

So today I got off work at 6am and I told myself that I was only to sleep for 5 hours since I don't have to work tonight, well I slept for 9 Its so irritating!!!! I really do want to sleep at night when I'm off of work.

I come home from work and each morning I have to clean up shredded paper all over the house because my little puppy loves to shred paper.

I'm not very fond of Mexican food. I will eat it if its in front of me, but I wont go looking for it. My entire life, I had to eat what the family was eating and not really have a say in it, but now I'm confident enough to be able to say "no thanks" when Mexican food is on the menu.

In 2 days it will be a whole year since my foot surgery. Time really has flown by fast this past year. So many changes and so many memories. I will post more and even put a picture or two up for y'all.

A many things that ticked me off this past month are....

So over the past month there has been so many things that have ticked me off. And not just a little, but a lot. So I decided to blog about it all.

1. 3 friends got engaged. It made me mad cause I really want to be married and to start that part of my life. I know, I know, Its in Heavenly Father's time. I know!!
2. My brother Jason decided that he was going to move out and take the kids with him. He started a bunch of drama and to be honest, He could have done it in a manner that didn't show that he wasn't ready or mature enough for the change. I've raised those 3kids for the past 4 years and in a lot of ways they are like my own. If your a mom you know the feelings that come over you when your children are threatened. And that's how I felt, like he was putting them in danger.
3. His girlfriend who he wants to move the kids in with is stupid. And I'm not being mean when I say that. She really is stupid and I've tried for over a year to teach her basic things about kids and what not. She is 30 and has 3 kids of her own and doesn't know how to shop for groceries or to clean her apt. Her kids treat her like crap and they will turn out just like her.
4. My mother of course has been pushing my buttons. Now that I have a job and I'm working she feels that its her given right to make me give her almost my entire pay check. Yeah. Its not like I make a whole lot and she thinks for some reason that I have no other use for it than to pay bills. I have a budget and in my budget I would like to save a lot of money each month and if she keeps taking it I wont have any to save. Its like a trick to get me to stay in her control cause she has every other sibling of mine in her control no matter where they are. Sucks I know.
5. Someone broke my prescription glasses. I now only had one pair cause the dog somehow ate my favorite about 2 years ago. Now I have to contact my insurance company and get a new set. I hate going to the eye doctor.
6. I hate liking boys or even being interested in them. None of them like me and that sucks. I'm not ugly. I'm not skinny, not gorgeous, but I'm fun, pretty, outgoing, honest and spiritual. What more could a guy want?

Even though there are a lot of things that ticked me off there have been some really good ones too. Such as

1. I got a new job and started working. Its interesting and fun and its what I've always done and loved. So YAY to me.
2. With my brother Jason's plans to move the kids in with him and his girlfriend, that means that I will have time to do things that I haven't had time to do in over 4 years because all my plans have been centered around the kids. So I'm excited for change.
3. I'm learning and doing really good at it to gain some self control on everything in my life. I hope that I can continue to have it.
4. Even though I was ticked over 3 of my friends getting engaged and not me, I'm also very excited for them. And I'm maid of honor to one of them, And that's AWESOME!!

I have goals and I'm reaching them. Everything that's happened over the past month is what Heavenly Father wants for me. Everything feels so right and I love that. So life is moving on and I seem to be moving on with it.

Truth is....

I once had over 100 porcelain dolls, some were even clowns. And now thy kind of creep me out. Every time I see one I think there constantly staring at me and are going to kill me.

I really am sick of living with my parents, Its so sad. I'm really ready to get out on my own or with a bunch of girls or with the man of my dreams....

I push people away like crazy. Its not that I don't like them or not want to be around them, Its the fact that they are to close to me as in they know a lot about me and I'm comfortable with them around that they just seem like they are supposed to be there. I feel stupid and very sad at what I did once its done. Good thing I'm working on it!

I hate Mexican food! I really do. I only eat it cause thats whats for dinner or where were going to eat.

Thats the truth!!

What's new with me ,you ask? Well....

So I've decided to go back to school :) It may take a while cause of the registration fee, but I really hope to be enrolled in the fall semester. My end goal is to be a RN. So I'm gonna be taking a few classes that pertain to nursing. My first step is to be a Phlebotomy's!!! Wish me luck-

I have started to work out again and to diet. My eating habits have changed a lot and I'm glad :) I've already lost 5 lbs and hope to keep losing. Its the only thing in my life that I ever want to lose :)

I'm looking for a more reliable job. The one I have now only gives me a few hours a month and I need more than that. I have been on call for a few weekends but because the economy is so bad no one can afford to lose a day of work, so I just get an on-call check, which isn't very much, but It helps to pay my phone bill.

I've been talking to my Brother 's (Jason) girlfriend about joining the church and she seems interested :) I'm excited lol I'll let ya know how it goes!!

So that's what I've been up to lately!!!

Foggy...Just a bit!

Life can be a bit foggy sometimes and what I mean by that is, we can forget about what is going on right in front of us and it can be a bit annoying to everyone cause it makes everyone think your not paying attention or that your upset or that you just don't care. Well I have experienced the foggy feeling and instead of it lasting just that one day it lasted for 4 :( I felt so terrible. Its been so hard concentrating on just one thing lately that I get all flustered and annoyed with myself. For instance, BOYS, they are and then they aren't worth it. Then their are friends who I care a lot about and worry about and feel bad for, even when I'm told that there is no reason to worry or feel bad. I can't help it. I think I was made to care and to worry. Then there are friends who bring up the past and all the lovely things I miss and also all the things I don't miss every time I talk to them. I'm trying to live in the present and as lovely as the past was and as sad as it was I don't need to linger on them, not when I'm having a hard enough time staying in the present. Then there is the fact that I promised myself that I would work out more and stay on a diet. Well it didn't happen :( and it makes me so mad at myself. I know that it takes time and that everyday will be a challenge,it just makes me sad. Then there is my foot and all the crap that keeps happening with it. I really hope that it gets better, cause I would love to go at least a full year with no pain. That's all I've been in for 2 years is pain and it would be nice to not have some. Whats sad is that all this is going on in my head all at once, everyday :( I hope typing it all out can relieve some of the fogginess. Well that's life right now!

The blow off!!!

I don't really know why this is, but for some strange reason when a girl gets her first boyfriend she then turns her entire life around for him :( I know this to be true because,well, I've done it and the sad thing is when I did it, I didn't have any real friends around to forget about or to blow off. But it has happened to me. I was blown off by a close friend all because she got her first boyfriend. Don't you think that's sad? Why do we do this to our friends. We had plans to hang out and to talk about the new boyfriend for over a week. I told her that she shouldn't blow off her girlfriends just cause she has a boyfriend. I'm not really mad anymore because we have planned to hang out next week now, but I just really hope that everyone who ever accidentally blew off a girlfriend for a boy or has been blown off, it hurts so just remember to think and plan better cause a simple "oh I forgot" can really hurt a friendship. I still love my friend, and hope it never happens again, and I can't really help it lol I just love pretty much everyone lol :)

Profound?

I just watched a movie on the tube and it was about 18 teenage girls getting pregnant in a small town in Massachussetts. Its based on a true story. 3 of the pregnant girls made a pact to get pregnant after a close friend of theirs got pregnant. That movie really made me think about my life in high school. I can honestly say that I knew about maybe 3 pregnancies during my entire high school experience. I shake my head right now cause I wonder (why?) I'm not a perfect person and I've done some really dumb things in my lifetime, but I've never thought about or planned or even wanted to trick a guy into getting me pregnant. I really hope that young girls and boys will think about what will happen after they choose to have sex at such a youg age. I will never say that having a baby is a mistake no matter the cituation, but when your careless with your own life how do you expect to care for an innocent childs life? Back in high school I don't ever remember thinking about having a child. I just wanted to graduate so that I could get out of there as fast as I could. I don't know why I'm posting this. I'm not in high school anymore and I don't know anyone who is still in high school, but hopefully the world will remember that epidemics such as 18 teenage girls getting pregnant before the are even graduated from high school are preventable. A child should be conceived when two responsible adults are married and can take care of the child. It saddens me when I see a child on the news and their mother locks them in a closet while she goes off to work because she can't afford day care. That really happened and in our great state of AZ. I feel so sorry for those kids. It makes me cry and want to help them even when I can't afford to do so myself. I pray for everyone that they learn and do what is right and chooses to use their brain when making those right choices..